Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note.

The loss of friends is tough enough at the best of times, but it’s obviously compounded when you’re living with cancer.

And, we imagine within it all, that the loss of the feeling of support makes you feel isolated and alone.

From the little bit you’ve written, we can’t begin to guess whether it’s you, or them not knowing what to say, or maybe a little bit of both.

We all need someone we can tell about our day, and the highs and lows of it, and how we feel. But, if you tend to recite a litany of your pain and fear on a regular basis, after a while your friends may feel as if they don’t know how to respond or how to help you.

The problem with talking about how bad you feel is that it makes you good at feeling bad. Sometimes there's a feeling of relief in venting that way, but in the end it tends to drive people away – which may be what’s happening to you.

If that’s true for you, instead of telling all about how you feel, just tell the simple version of the truth, “I had a great day today,” or “I had some rough spots today,” rather than telling chapter and verse about the whole day. When talking with a friend, give them a chance to do the same, and then start talking about what’s going on in the world, not just about you or the other person. Talk about the Academy Awards, or what’s going on in Libya. There’s a whole world out there.

Another thing to do is to only talk about how you feel in the moment. In other words, “Right at this moment, I’m feeling great,” or “At the moment, I feel a little tired.” If you stay in the moment that way, you’ll probably see that people won’t abandon you or shy away from you.

We hope this helps.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John